"Problems" of an Ex-Pat

So here's a new problem that I've never had before: too many friends!

Throughout my life I've generally had just one friend at a time. That works for me. I enjoy deep friendships in which the conversations are honest and heartfelt, not just surface or gossipy. And whereas some people like (need?) lots of people around them at all times, I need to be alone a lot. But now I am an ex-pat, and ex-pats network. You need a lot of friends to help you navigate a new culture. I have already leaned quite heavily on several of my new friends. Besides needing them, I am fascinated by many of the people I've met. They come from backgrounds completely different from mine and many of them are so accomplished that I often feel I am out of my league. I want to get to know these people, and getting to know them takes time.

Since returning from the States a few days ago I've already been to lunch with one friend and have loose invitations from three others. Beside that, there are at least three other people that I want and need to get together with. For a person who has usually just had one friend at a time, this is a perplexing problem! How do I schedule time with each person? It seems a difficult juggling act to me. A good problem, to be sure. But still, for me, a problem.

Man is Born to Trouble

"Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward." Job 5:7

Today is my 13th Wedding Anniversary. These have been some tumultuous years. The first few anniversaries were peaceful enough. We had a sort of ritual of taking a picnic lunch to the park where we had been married. We talked about what we thought our life might be like on future anniversaries. Never good at looking into the future, I would never have dreamed what the real thing(s) would look like.

By our 4th Anniversary our first child had arrived. I was headed into a deep bout of postpartum depression. That time would try Eric severely. He stuck with me and showed great love, but our dreams of perfect parenthood lay shredded around us.

By the 6th Anniversary we had had our second child home from the hospital less than 1 week. He had been born 6 weeks early following an extremely complicated pregnancy, and so he had spent 3 weeks in NICU. But he was completely healthy and, in fact, is generally the healthiest member of our family. Nevertheless, that experience left a few more dreams laying in shreds.

I remember our 10th only because it seemed it should have been worthy of a celebration. Instead, we were on opposite sides of the country and our financial situation was a mess. There was no celebration. The dreams we had about financial security lay in shreds around us as we admitted we had created a false illusion. But as we confessed our failings to God He began to work with us to stitch the pieces back together.

I can't remember for sure, but I think that on our 11th year we were on separate continents.

Then came the 12th Anniversary. I cannot imagine a worse scenario. Our marriage had been torn to shreds and I wasn't sure I even wanted to try to stitch the pieces back together. But, believing it was the right thing to do, we took our marriage to God and asked Him to help stitch us together.

So now, here we are at year 13. We are once again on separate continents. My Mom died 3-1/2 weeks ago. And again I see my heart torn apart, laying in pieces around my feet. It is rather a good thing that we are on separate continents because, once again, I do not feel celebratory.

"As for me, I would seek God, and to God would I commit my cause, who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number." Job 5:8-9

Through these years God has been faithfully stitching the tattered pieces of our lives back together. I believe that He is going to do marvelous things in my life and in our marriage. I do not know, cannot know, would not want to know, if I have come to the end of my troubles. But I think some day I will look back at my life and see a wonderful patchwork quilt, stitched together by God.

Sundays for Dad

As Melodee would say, Dad is having the come-aparts today.

When Anna was learning about Venn Diagrams she had to poll family and friends and ask which day of the week was their favorite. For Grandma it was Sunday because she loved going to church and worshipping Jesus.

When I first saw Dad this morning it was only for a second. He began crying and left the room. He returned in a few minutes and told me that he dreads Sundays. He said Mom always made a special breakfast on Sundays and they always spent the whole day together.

Until today I have thought there would be a period of time when the loss of Mom would be hard for Dad but he would get through it and do fine. If you asked me right now, I would say I don't see how he's going to get through this.

Note to family: Be sure to contact Dad on Sundays.

Today was one of those days I knew would happen. Dad found fault with pretty much everything I did. Of course it didn't help that when I baked the cookies he didn't want me to bake I burned them badly. Nothing like giving him a good reason to find fault.

But, toward the end of the day, we also had a good long conversation. Not a conversation really, mostly Dad talking about everything of the last few months and including some details of the day Mom died. I was hungry to hear it. Dad told about the moments and days from her death to her memorial service and how he "did pretty well". He hates the fact that he is now crying all the time and feeling so completely awful. But as I understand it, this is the course of things. Numbness through the funeral; pain once everyone leaves and you try to return to "normal". He says he's glad I'm here. I suppose he is, although there are times when I wonder!

And I do know that his above-referenced fault finding is worse than ever due to the fact that he is grieving.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

In about 14 hours I take off for the States. I will be spending 2 weeks with my Dad. We finally found a helper who can stay at our house. She will probably have our house in such great shape that no one will want me back!

I don't know what to expect of this trip. I have been unable to grieve, mostly because there is too much going on. There is always someone coming to the house or someplace I must be. And the kids don't want me crying, so I have just had to suck it in for 2 weeks. Now I wonder if I even could cry, if given the chance. I also am thinking that the next two weeks are to help my Dad, so it would still not be appropriate for me to fall apart. What if I never "fall apart"?

I don't know anything about how people grieve. I have never witnessed it. So I don't know what is normal. Perhaps it is not necessary to fall apart. I don't know. I just don't know.

You're Kidding, Right?

Plane tickets are booked for me to go spend 2 weeks with my Dad. Before we could commit to this I had to have someone who could watch my kids while I am gone. So I met with a woman earlier this week and she was wonderful. The kids liked her, I liked her, I felt good about leaving. Now, just as I lay down to take the nap I've been wanting for a week - thinking there was nothing left undone that could interrupt my nap time, the phone rings. The woman who was supposed to be our helper cannot do it. Her husband will not allow her to take this job. But she has a friend who could do it! So now I have to meet the friend on Friday. What if I don't like her? Now I really want to scream at someone and start throwing things.

Wondering...

I am a Christian so of course I believe in heaven. I believe the only people who will be in heaven are those who have accepted Jesus' gift of forgiveness. I know I will see my Mom there. But still, I wonder...

Is Mom there NOW? Can she see me? She's been gone for a week; has it been a week for her? Who has she met? What has she done? Does she know everything now? Will she be my Mom in heaven? Or a sister in Christ?

I think about the realness of it more than I used to. I asked Eric for his opinion about some of my questions because he is infinitely smarter than me. He understands, as best as a human can I think, the concept of time/space and being removed from time. He has explained to me how he believes time was created for man. I listened hopefully to his answer but in the end I don't think he was right, and I told him so. I agree with him about time being created for man, but as far as how things progress after life, outside of time, I disagreed.

I have a fairly good knowledge of the Bible, though no where near as good as Mom. I am aware of places in the Bible where some of my questions are sort of addressed but, at least today, I can think of no place where there are hard and fast, black and white answers.

Does anyone have any thoughts they would be willing to share?