As I've said before, I keep a journal. I don't write every day, mostly just when I feel like I'm seeing something new from God. I was looking back at it yesterday and marveling. Over the past year I've had "fits and starts" in my walk with God. I would have a glimpse of something wonderful but then I would do something awful.
I wrote just once during the entire month of April. I wrote that I had told God I wanted to love Jesus. I wanted Him to be more than a "fire escape" to me because I realized that quite honestly that's about all He was. Apparently God took that request to heart because the following pages are full of descriptions like this: the walls came tumbling down, my world exploded, I am adrift alone at sea, I have no anchor.
When the trouble hit I knew immediately that God wanted to be my God. The truth of one of the ten commandments hit home for me. "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." I have had other gods of my own making. Knowing that I had to transfer my allegiance to God was frightening. But there it was, in my own handwriting, in black and white. (Or purple and white, as the case may be!) By my own hand I had said I want to love Jesus.
Among the many things that have happened in the months since writing that, the most recent is perhaps the most obvious example of God showing me He's answering my desire. A thought just happened to cross my mind that perhaps I should go to Bible Study Fellowship this year. (I had tried it once several years ago but there were childcare complications so I dropped out.) I began looking into the possibility and found out that this year they are studying the book of John. The book about Jesus. (Okay, I know the entire Bible is about Jesus, but this one is really about Jesus.) Last week I went to the first week where I was put into the "introductory class". If you're not a returning member you have to start there and hope they have enough discussion leaders that you can get into a group. I was in the midst of a very difficult week internally and so I was feeling desperate for...something. I said to myself "I've got to get into this study. This is my last hope." And I knew I meant it. That statement seems like it must have an "or else" on the end of it. I don't know what that "or else" was. I wasn't thinking about it, I just felt inside that I needed something and I needed it now and it needed to be this study of Jesus. Well, I got the call 2 days later from my discussion leader. I've never been so thrilled. Even now I can't tell you exactly why I am so thrilled, but I just "know in my knower" (I have a dear friend who says that and it always cracks me up) that I need THIS.
Today I am going to Bible Study Fellowship where I will be in a group and we will be learning about Jesus and how much He loves us. The Bible says "We love him because he first loved us." I think it is impossible not to fall in love with someone who loves us - truly loves us. So I expect I am going to fall in love with Jesus. And that is just what I need.