How I wish I could take credit for writing this. It resonates deep within me. But it is not mine. It was written by Jimmy Webb. It is a song performed by Linda Ronstadt.
Shattered, like a window pane
broken by a stone
Each tiny piece of me
far beyond repair
All my shiny dreams
just lying there.
I'm broken, but I'm laughing.
It's the sound of falling glass.
I hope that you won't mind
if I should cry
while I wait for this to pass.
Cuz sweet darling I'm
into fragments cold and gray.
Sweep the pieces all away
then no one will ever know how much it mattered
when something deep inside of me
It seems like, as a Christian, I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm supposed to have "the joy of the Lord". I hope people understand, and I hope if it's okay if I feel shattered for awhile. Because I'm kind of tired of pretending everything is okay. I don't like going places. People are so uncomfortable with grief. Everyone says, the first time I see them, that they are sorry about my Mom. I know they mean it. But what is supposed to happen next? Are THEY supposed to quit enjoying life for my sake? Of course not.
I think this may be the hardest part of living overseas. There is no close friend who can be with me yet give me the space I need, allow me to feel shattered. I have those friends in the States, but that doesn't do me much good right now, does it?
It was good to skip BSF today; to sit home and sing along with Linda Ronstadt over and over and over... "I'm broken, but I'm laughing."