Brutally Honest

Thank goodness I write. Not HERE, but in a "real", paper journal. (With a REAL fountain pen, I must add. I love fountain pens!) Thank goodness because I have been learning so much. None of what I am learning is NEW, just new to me in the sense that He is becoming reality rather than just words in a book. And because I am learning, because I am seeking to know God and actually be obedient rather than just have knowledge, Satan has apparently felt it necessary to step in and get me off track. And let me tell you, Satan has been successful. But as I weakly try to pull myself out of the pit I have been dwelling in for the past week and a half, this morning I went back and read something I wrote on November 6th - the last day before the storm struck inside of me. And while what I wrote was true then, it was more helpful today. So I will share some of what I wrote and attempt to communicate what it means to me.

"God tells me to be a reservoir that He can fill with His strength and power and blessing so that it is readily available to the thirsty." I love this idea. I WANT to be someone through whom non-believers can see Jesus. I would love it if I could get to the point that people come to me with questions about God. (Of course I would also want to be fully ready to answer their questions!)

"If you have but a little, I will multiply it." I have "but a little". That's okay, God will multiply it!

"He will fill me so full of His Spirit that His water will overflow from me and give life to those around me!" Awesome, I truly believe God is going to do this in me.

"I want to be that vessel. I want all of the garbage that is currently in me dumped out so that there is room for overflowing abundance of the Holy Spirit." Ugh. Here comes the brutal honesty.

I am full of garbage. It is a dark, swirling, deep pool of junk. Some of it boiled up to the surface last week. Thank God for my sister-in-law, known here as "R", who kindly, graciously, wonderfully, stepped in and saved my kids from my ugliness. I wish I knew what all of the junk inside of me is. I think I wish that. Maybe I don't really want to know. The part that I can identify at this point is selfishness. I want what I want when I want it, how I want it, where I want it. For me that generally means I want everyone to either take care of themselves or go away. I am not a care-giver. I do not want to be a care-giver. I do not enjoy being a care-giver. So why on earth did I have kids? God knows, and I hope that at some point I will too. I had to leave my kids with R for a couple of days so that I could wallow in my selfishness and try to cool down. I wish I could say that I was on my knees seeking God but I was not. I was in no mood to be told what I should be doing. I wanted to wallow.

I have felt the garbage swirling inside me - almost physically. At times I have wanted to give in and just get sucked under. But somewhere inside of my head I knew that God wanted to help me out of it. I had just enough strength to get through the days robotically. Well finally today I went weakly back to the Lord. I re-read what I wrote on November 6th. I see a picture in my mind in which I am a big oak barrel. The barrel is, of course, full of nasty smelly garbage. I think it has to be described as sewage rather than garbage, because it is liquid and it is swirling. I believe God has poured a bit of His Holy Spirit into my barrel. It has gone to the bottom and pushed some of the sewage (my selfishness) to the top. I can envision Him pouring more and more of His Spirit into my barrel. That will force more of the sewage to overflow out of the barrel. Frightening to think what else needs to surface. HUGELY frightening. But as that nasty sewage spills out it will be replaced by the pleasant, peaceful, wonderful water of the Holy Spirit. And that is something I look forward to.

On a lighter note: Isn't it funny that I see myself as an oak barrel? The Bible often refers to us as "vessels of clay", but I am an oak barrel. I wonder what that means? If anything.